"We could tape this and sell it and create a fortune and never have to work here again!"

[Int. main doorway to office, blinding hot sunshine and the white hot concrete of the car park fills the view. Pan back to include full kitchen area. Colleagues 1, 2 and 3 (all female in short skirts and very small vest tops) stand with Hypatia by the fridge.]

Hypatia: Fuck me, it's so hot today. I spilt some water on the stairs outside and I swear I heard it sizzle.
Colleague 2: Ooh, I wonder if there's any ice in the freezer?

[Colleague 2 throws open freezer; zoom in on full ice cube tray.]

Colleague 1: Ooh...

[Colleague 1 grabs ice cube tray and knocks out two ice cubes; the rest copy her]

Colleague 3: Oh god, that feels good. [She starts rubbing the ice on her upper arms. Colleague 2, 3 and Hypatia copy her.]
Hypatia: Ahhh... that's just absolutely lovely...
Colleague 1: Hmmm... oh, yes...
Colleague 2: Very nice, very nice...
Colleague 3: Could you rub some on my back?
Colleague 2: I'll try but your skin is all slick and moist.
Hypatia: It's really nice sliding these ice cubes up and down my inner thigh... have you tried that yet?
Colleague 1: Mmmm... that's good, I like the way I can feel the cool ice water dripping down across the back of my knee.
Colleague 2: Ooh, look, you're all wet...

[Cut to exterior shot through doorway, framing these four women running ice cubes all over their hot bodies. Enter Colleague 4 into shot, male, mopping his brow. He pauses, stops and stares at the scene.]

Hypatia: Hello Colleague 4, do you want some ice to rub across your chest?
Colleague 4: [Silence]
Hypatia: Colleague 4, are you alright? It's very hot today isn't it?
Colleague 1: Have some ice, we've just put some on ourselves and it feels really good.
Colleague 3: Really, really good.
Colleague 2: Yes, it can really lift a day like this when you make yourself all moist and cool.
Colleague 4: [Faints.]

:: sigh :: This hot weather is making the most mundane and unending day at work go a bit funny. And you know what? I live in a basement, I work in a basement, I travel by underground all the time... I cannot bear this unrelenting, remorseless, merciless heat, I cannot... it's driving me and everyone around me totally nuts...

In other news, I'm off to Lyme Regis for the weekend! Woo! Not London! Huzzah!

"What's more, a certain infamous fantasy of mine was being fulfilled..."

"...For years I had dreamed it: the idea would steal up on me whenever I hit a dull, obsequious stretch at work, and I had a chance to look out over the coming years and realise that there was nothing much to follow but more of the same. A little house, I would say to myself. Just a little house of my own to care for, just mine, just my house, a few rooms to think about, a big kitchen and a yard out back..." Why The Tree Loves The Axe, Jim Lewis.

Ah. And that sums up the last few weeks so far in the new flat, my infamous fantasy being fulfilled. I've been cooking and cleaning and keeping the place tidy and had my parents over for dinner on Sunday - we sat on the patio at our candlelit table and looked at aerial pictures of the whole of London during coffee, I've been shopping in the delightful little market buying fresh foccacias and (unfortunately ungutted or cleaned) fish, fruit, vegetables, prosciutto and chorizo and olives from the numerous delis nearby... ah. It has been nice.

So, apart from the domestic bliss (jesus, I've even started sewing and "turning over" my dresses in the evenings like a genuine Victorian housewife...) I've started job # 2 hunting in earnest. Fucking hell, I'm out of here as quick and as soon as it is possible, oh yes.

In other news, some of a worrying nature from Ananova:

Thirty-seven held for cockle-picking

Thirty-seven people have been arrested for picking cockles from a beach.
They were arrested in Morecambe, Lancashire, after they were allegedly involved in illegal cockle-picking on the sands at Morecambe Bay.
A Lancashire Police spokeswoman said three vehicles containing the suspected illegal immigrants from China were stopped.
She said: "This incident appears to follow on from something that occurred back in July when complaints were received from the public about the activities of the Chinese cockle-pickers who were becoming a growing concern to the community."

Shit - where are my parents today?