Hypatia Avenue

"Is it just me, or does this really look like a limb hacked from a particularly ripe corpse?"

It is lunchtime and I am contemplating lunch. However, after surfing the net for food inspiration, I really don't want to put anything in my mouth. I like cooking, I love cooking and will happily flick through cook books for hours at a time considering what culinary delights to whip up next. But I have never ever ever ever considered cooking with crisps, suet, marmite or making jam a main ingredient in any meal.

In all my gourmandising adventures, I have never come across the hideous, stomach-turning "innovation" such as cooking with Dr. Pepper, embedding everything and anything in gelatin (good god no...) or lard. Pure lard.

But at least my loss of appertite can help me on my New Year's resolution to lose some weight! [Note: not real resolution] I'll mosey on over to Weight Watchers shall I and get some cooking inspiration. Oh, hang on - maybe I'll just be so repulsed I'll puke until I'm slim. Weight Watchers - it didn't mean to make people bulimic, but it couldn't be stopped.

And finally, even in my student days, even when I had no joy for standing over a hot stove, slaving over a meal for myself and my loved ones, even before I got over my three-year degree / hangover when i was incapable of preparing anything more complex than a tin of soup and a cigarette, even then... I never stooped as low as these. These submitted recipes actually made me want to cry. The woman who adds slices of cheese to her morning coffee then eats the melted cheese after she has drained the coffee really, really, really deserves a hefty slap.

Ugh. I'm moving to France.